The following article contains spoilers for One Night Only.

, the new rom-com from director Will Gluck (, ) starring Callum Turner and Monica Barbaro, is bananas. Its concept is this: three years ago, the US’s authoritarian government outlawed sex outside of marriage, except for – wait for it – one night of the year, when the mandate is temporarily lifted for 12 hours of state-permitted debauchery. It is on this afternoon that Turner’s pizzeria owner Owen and Barbaro’s advertising-jingles singer Allie cross paths and unexpectedly find love.

Naturally, we were first in line to witness this head-scratcher, which lands in cinemas today. And we left with endless questions. These are the 103 currently keeping me up at night.

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1. Wait, is this a cutesy montage about an authoritarian governmental policy?
2. How has this policy been able to continue for three years?!
3. And people are, like, just fine with it?
4. And treating it like a fun night out/holiday?
5. What are people actually doing to try and repeal the mandate?
6. Are we supposed to find all these mandate-themed adverts funny?
7. How did this filmmaking team think it’d be fine to treat this just as a fun concept when it’s kind of horrific?
8. Why is this anti-mandate graffiti so kitschy?
9. How did Owen actually manage to start this business?
10. No, seriously, why is he wearing this polo shirt for the biggest night of his year?
11. Just because it’s his girlfriend’s favourite?
12. Wouldn’t his girlfriend ask to open up the relationship before today?
13. Why does she keep saying the full name of the other guy she wants to sleep with?
14. Do these jokes kinda feel like they were written by AI?
15. Why did he then eat both portions of this tasting menu?
16. Was he really gonna propose with the ring in the ice cube of her cocktail?
17. Why is King Princess in this?
18. Is that Okieriete Onaodowan, the original Hercules Mulligan/James Madison in ?
19. Did Pete Davidson need to be in this?
20. Or Bobby Cannavale?
21. Or Nicholas Braun?
22. Did any of these celebrity cameos need to happen? With the exception of Ziwe and Este Haim, which I actually enjoyed.
23. Are the Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell appearances a direct nod to the director, Will Gluck’s last rom-com, ?
24. Why is Julia Fox working in this bar?
25. I get why the owners of this dumpling shop are watching a Chinese news channel, but why is Owen then watching a foreign (vaguely Arab?) news channel in the pizzeria later?
26. Would people actually excitedly count down to this dystopian hellscape like it’s New Year’s Eve?!
27. Does this child need to be saying all this crazy stuff?
28. Why is this meet cute so cringe?
29. Does Owen not have any friends he could call?
30. They’re married?
31. Even if that is the case, can’t they wingman him?
32. And does he even need to be wingmanned?
33. All these women are just staring at him on the street. Can’t he just get with one of them?
34. Was that a roofie joke?
35. Why didn’t Owen stock up on condoms for the big night?
36. Also wouldn’t all these shops stock up on more condoms to sell at elevated prices?
37. So, all Americans agreed to be chipped?!
38. Or, if they didn’t, was it done forcibly?
39. But they got to pick a fun shape for said chip/tattoo, so it’s fine?
40. Are you chipped on your 18th birthday?
41. Or at birth?
42. This one guy is clearly slotting in multiple partners, but isn’t that what most people would do in this scenario?
43. Why is the film acting like almost everyone in New York is monogamous?
44. And that this is some big romantic night where everyone’s trying to find the one?!
45. And why is basically everyone we see straight?
46. Why did Allie leave her bag on the piano?
47. Why did she also not stock up on more condoms?
48. Was this guy having a motorcycle a red flag from the very beginning?
49. Why doesn’t Allie’s card work?
50. Why is it so easy for them to steal the condom like that?
51. Where is the store owner when Allie is wrapping rope around these mannequins?
52. Also, how is Allie running across New York for 12 hours in these heels?
53. Is this robber lady the creepy secretary from ?
54. Wouldn’t Owen suspect that this could happen?
55. Why would he agree to be tied to a tree by a stranger?
56. Am I supposed to be finding Callum Turner more hot?
57. Does he and Monica Barbaro have chemistry? Not really?
58. Why is this subway scene filmed so weirdly?
59. Like we’re watching a thriller or something?
60. It’s so distracting that I missed Allie’s red lighthouse tattoo backstory?
61. Was that a P Diddy joke?
62. Why would Allie get into this random van with a stranger?
63. Who is this Annabelle Bronstein figure?
64. Is she actually British or pretending to be British?
65. Why doesn’t Allie make a beeline for her musician crush?
66. Does Allie actually have stage fright, though?
67. She goes from terrified to belting it out very quickly?
68. Why is there now a spotlight on Owen and the musician guy as they watch Allie on stage?
69. Why would Owen bring this lady to his mum’s house?
70. Also, why is Molly Ringwald in this?
71. Why does she not just marry this guy?
72. Wouldn’t more people just get married to circumvent the mandate?
73. If people break this law, “the authorities are contacted”, but what happens then?
74. Are they jailed?
75. Are prisons overflowing?
76. Or are they in separate facilities?
77. And how do they police the use of condoms?
78. Wouldn’t more people just be having unprotected sex on this night?
79. What were Molly Ringwald and LeVar Burton doing with the bubblewrap?
80. Why are we sex-shaming this criminal guy?
81. Am I supposed to think that the mandate has “made sex more special”? Like, what?
82. Wow, did he just say the words: “Maybe the fascists were right about this one”?!
83. Why would Owen go back to his girlfriend after all that?
84. Why is the view from their window so weird and CGI?
85. How does Allie’s phone have so much battery left given she’s been out all night?
86. Why does Owen cause such a ruckus outside Allie’s building?
87. Is that supposed to be romantic?
88. Is this a Citi Bike advert?
89. Would they actually both think to go to the red lighthouse?
90. Did everyone else already know about this random lighthouse in New York?
91. Is this now going to become a really popular place for proposals and/or wedding photoshoots?
92. Is this film trying to tell me that it’s sexy to wait?
93. A year later, and the mandate is still in place?
94. And everything’s just fine?
95. Why wouldn’t they just get married in the meantime?
96. And then he shuts the door, so we don’t get to see them have sex, like, even once?
97. Is this a pro chastity movie?
98. Why does it feel so MAGA coded?
99. Is this film basically telling us to accept fascism?
100. Should Callum Turner really be playing James Bond after this?
101. Wow. It’s over. What was that?
102. How did it get made?
103. But, also, was I weirdly entertained for the last hour and 42 minutes? Yes, I’m afraid to say I was.