As someone born in the – – ’90s, I like to pride myself on having seen plenty of the ’90s classics. Cult horrors, throwback rom-coms, offbeat indie favourites… I’ve seen ’em all. Except, well, I haven’t. Because until last week, I had never sat down and watched , the 1998 fantasy rom-com starring Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock as two witch sisters living under a centuries-old curse that kills any man they dare fall in love with. Due to what I can only blame on some sort of Mandela Effect, I didn’t even know this film until recently, when everyone started banging on about Kidman and Bullock “finally reuniting” for . Reuniting after what, I wondered?
I had to watch it, obviously. The first thing I noticed about was its mixture of cosiness and eccentricity. They just don’t make films like this anymore – with weird sisters and pancakes and riding bicycles through farmer’s markets – and I can see why it’s widely beloved. The second thing I noticed was that this film is really quite deranged. The characters often behave in ways that are entirely nonsensical, and I can’t quite get my head around the ever-changing rules of this elusive curse. In fact, by the end of it, I had more questions than I had answers. So, here are the 70 – yes, 70 – burning questions I was left with after watching for the very first time.
- Why did that ancestral witch in the opening scene have such perfectly plucked eyebrows?
- Why does she look so clean when she’s essentially living on the side of a cliff?
- Couldn’t she have settled on a curse that affected her lover’s bloodline, rather than her own?
- How did these women know to listen out for the ticking of the deathwatch beetle? Like, who was the first to put two and two together?
- Why are they eating a massive pile of grapes for dinner at the beginning of the movie?
- Why did nobody tell me that had an exceptional soundtrack?
- Is it even possible to eat a pound cake in under a minute?
- Would it be weird if I moved to Massachusetts?
- Would it be weird if I moved to… this exact town?
- And where can I get these… exact clothes? *Paging costume designer Judianna Makovsky*
- Would you really rip all of your floorboards up because of a beetle? Killing it doesn’t stop the curse, right?
- Why was a monster truck tearing down a quaint New England street anyway?
- Wasn’t Sally aware that Michael would die considering the entire family curse thing? Like, couldn’t she feel that she was in love?
- Why is that Jimmy guy banging on about Louis L’Amour?
- Couldn’t they have just cast a spell or something on Jimmy instead of murdering him?
- Can’t the aunts just sort of… deduce that their nieces killed Jimmy with their psychic powers? Or does it not work like that?
- How did it take me 45 entire minutes to clock that Kylie is a baby Evan Rachel Wood?!
- Why is everyone so desperate to be on the top of the “phone tree list”?
- Where do the witches get all these rare ingredients?
- To be fair, I don’t think these women actually need any men?
- What happens if one of the Owens women is a lesbian, does that make her immune from the curse?
- Couldn’t they have buried Jimmy somewhere a bit more hidden than their literal front lawn? Like, lobbed him off a cliff or something?
- Why didn’t they at any point consider disposing of Jimmy’s car?
- Why are Sally and Gillian such terrible murderers?
- How does Gillian know what love feels like if she’s never felt it?
- Why were people in ’90s movies always flipping pancakes?
- Isn’t it against police protocol for that detective to have ceased all duties to basically hang out and make pancakes?
- Don’t the sisters feel a bit weird about having breakfast right next to Jimmy’s burial site?
- They were really into tiny rectangular shades in 1998, huh?
- Why isn’t Sally even slightly suspicious when her kids scream and toss the syrup into the sea?
- Why did that detective suddenly switch personalities after that frog threw up the ring, when moments before he was the life of the party?
- Why did Sally throw all those perfectly nice pancakes into the bin?
- All that bacon and sausages left on the side as well?!
- Why did Gillian pick up all those plate shards without looking at them?
- Are they actually cleaning up those shards or just pushing them around the kitchen floor?
- What are Gillian and Sally even arguing about in the kitchen?
- Did the door panes need to smash as well?!
- Why would that detective immediately have assumed that ring was Jimmy’s when it could have been literally anyone’s?
- Why does the detective look like he’s from the 1970s, facially?
- Why would the detective have all his evidence strewn across the table in full view like that?
- With the curtains wide open as well?
- Why didn’t he invite Sally to confess at the police station?
- And then start making out with her as well?! This guy should be fired.
- Why does the detective suddenly have one green eye when they were both blue during the rest of the film?
- So that detective thought Sally didn’t want to sleep with him because she was icked out by his eye that was slightly green in a certain light?
- Did that detective really have to come running in pointing a gun at Gillian?
- Why doesn’t the detective look more shocked to see Jimmy’s evil ghost emerging from Gillian’s body?
- Wouldn’t he assume he was having some kind of psychotic break?
- Why do they circle each other for so long like that in the attic?
- Is it just me or are the detective’s reactions frustratingly slow?
- So Jimmy’s ghost was destroyed by… a police badge?
- Is actually copaganda?
- The detective just saw Jimmy disintegrate, why would he ask “is he gone or what?”
- No offence but surely this shmuck can’t be Sally’s perfect guy?
- Why would the detective read Sally’s letter one thousand times? That’s too many.
- Is there supposed to be romantic chemistry between Sally and the detective?
- If Sally was serious about avoiding the curse, couldn’t she have asked for qualities to exist? Like, I don’t know, purple eyes?
- Did Sally ask for a man with no personality, as well?
- Oh my God, why is Gillian making out with her sister?
- So Sally thought she could just punch Jimmy out of Gillian? This film is nuts.
- Do you think they used real toads for that scene by the fire?
- All those lit candles in that giant wooden house are surely a fire hazard?
- To be fair, sometimes tequila is the only thing that rouses me from the dead too?
- How would they rule Jimmy’s death accidental without having done a proper investigation?
- Did they really used to send letters to everyone after a case was closed, even if they weren’t official suspects?
- Why did Sally summon that detective back? Won’t the curse eventually kill him if she falls in love?
- So that kiss is essentially the kiss of death?
- Okay so the curse is just lifted now, for no discernible reason?
- Why don’t they make silly cosy films like this anymore? I’m sick of it.
- Why did it take almost 30 years for a 2?
