While there’s no official social media etiquette handbook for friendship, I tend to live by a few unspoken rules when it comes to my own. This includes forwarding you memes that I think you’ll find funny; sharing articles on topics I know you are interested in; re-sharing posts promoting your upcoming event or project (however leftfield it may be). And, most importantly, liking your posts. Especially if it’s a milestone – and if it’s a selfie or thirst trap.
Of course, I’m not advocating for friends to feel virtually tethered to hearting post or story. Or that digital praise is the best metric to weigh the health of any real-life friendship. Or that you should like posts that you fundamentally disagree with. People have lives. And, sometimes, a person isn’t glued to their screen – they might not have seen it. But I do think that supporting your actual friends in the virtual realm ought to be a given. And I can’t help but notice which friends engage and which don’t – particularly when they don’t like anything, ever.
I’m not the only one with opinions on this particular phenomenon. It’s a debate that’s been whirling around online recently. According to Baylee Grover, 21, a friend never liking your posts is a sign that they’re “actually your biggest hater”. “Yes, it is that deep, I don’t care what anyone says,” she says in a TikTok video, which has now racked up over 45,000 likes. She doubles down when I email her: “If someone consistently seems unsupportive of what you’re doing or posting, especially while enthusiastically supporting other people, it’s fair to ask yourself if the friendship is supportive.”
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For Mandana Zarghami, 30, the issue is contextual. A friend not liking anything in general is one thing. But if it’s specifically they don’t engage with, and they’re supposed to be your friend, then that’s another. “It’s a little disheartening when you see them engage with celebrities who don’t even know they exist,” she says. “Or mention your posts in real life and not engage.”
But are we all being a bit “black and white” about it? When I speak to cyberpsychologist Ruth Guest, she says that the way we interact with people online just can’t be directly compared to the friendships we foster in real life. The majority of people online can be considered “lurkers”, she says, meaning they look but don’t interact. “This brings me to what I call ‘UPFs’ or ‘ultra-processed friendships’. These friendships are people we say we are close with, but don’t stay in touch with or make an effort to see IRL.” She also points out that the algorithm now often prioritises content from influencers, or random celebrities – so it’s no wonder interaction with friends can drop off in among it.
For others, it’s really not that deep. “Sometimes I delete social media off my phone,” says Madeline Howard, 28, who finds the expectation for constant engagement online quite stifling. “As people become more frustrated with it, we should understand it’s not always how friends reciprocate friendship. If something big is going on, I expect them to tell me.”
I get what Madeline is saying. Does benignly double-tapping on someone’s autumn photo dump really mean anything in the grand scheme of things? Isn’t it more meaningful for a friend to message you personally, or arrange a face-to-face hang? That said, a friend expressing their support publicly as well as privately feels valuable – as if they’re celebrating you from afar, too.
For better or for worse, friendships have always been my most sacred relationships. By the time I turned 22, both of my parents had unexpectedly passed away and I found myself (an only child with complicated extended family dynamics) having to navigate young adulthood alone. I wouldn’t have weathered this grief without the fierce ecosystem of my close friends – so that could be why I tend to pay extra attention to such interactions.
If anything, I hope to be an advocate for hyping up your friends – both online and in the virtual realm. Like their posts, share their art online, celebrate more than just the expected milestones. But also, pick up the phone once in a while (hard for anyone born after the millennium, I know), cold call your mates and have a catch-up. Or, better yet, make some actual plans.
