I’m 30 years old and I’ve never been to a wedding. Who cares, you might ask? And sure, it’s not something I gave a lot of thought to in my 20s – matrimony seemed like a distant reality to me, somewhere off in the hazy, “it will happen one day” future, along with getting a mortgage and writing my will. (As Ilana from put it: “Marriage? I’m only 27. What am I, a child bride?”) But since turning 30 last year, I’ve come to realise that everyone else I know has been to a wedding. Make that , plural. Over the summer my Instagram Stories were a steady stream of ceremonies, from Provençal olive groves to Hackney Town Hall.
Maybe I was never previously fazed by the lack of save of dates landing in my letterbox because a wedding of my own has never been high on my agenda. As a child I fantasised about being a famous rockstar, or having a pet leopard (à la Tippi Hedren’s pet lion), not whatever dress I would wear to walk down the aisle. In fact, I’ve barely envisioned getting married, bar reverse price-searching deliciously vulgar Art-Deco engagement rings on 1stDibs (future suitors: take note!) Even my Barbies didn’t get hitched. They were either lesbians or I gave them punky felt-tip makeovers. So, I guess you could say I’m a wedding cynic. Ironic given that my own parents have had two weddings (the first of which I wasn’t alive for, the second I wasn’t invited to), after deciding they didn’t actually want to be divorced after all.
I take comfort in the knowledge that I’ve avoided becoming yet another victim of the Wedding Industrial Complex, on the hook for the cost of travel, accommodation, outfit, gift and everything else besides. “Honestly babe, it’s become a bit of a pain,” as one friend tells me. “It’s not just the wedding, it’s the hen do, the engagement party… it’s taking up my holidays, my finances, my social life…” But recently my natural cynicism has begun to give way to my neurosis – especially after another friend responded to my revelation about the lack of invites with an amused, “Darling, I think might be the problem.”
Suddenly, it’s like I’m at school again, not getting invited to the popular girl’s party. I canvas my girlfriends – and frequent attendees – for the scoop on what makes a good wedding guest. To Martha, who was invited to three this summer, it’s the same qualities that define any “good party guest – open, warm and great energy”. Lily, a self-professed sucker for a good love story, says she’s been to around 25 nuptials in the past five years, and that her boyfriend, as her plus-one, always gets five-star reviews. His advice? “Good outfit, good vibes, good chat, good dance moves.”
So whose weddings are they attending? “Most of the weddings I’ve been to are the people I’ve gone into adulthood with from childhood,” Martha explains. As for Lily: “It’s mostly straight friends who have had inheritance or big chunks of money. I’m from a small town so my friends from there are the ones that started getting married young. How the hell do you save for a wedding and live in London?”
It’s a reminder that no one I’m close to has gotten married yet. I left home straight after turning 18 and moved across the world, and though I still have a vague handful of friends from high school, I wouldn’t expect to be invited to their weddings. None of the close friends I’ve made in adulthood have tied the knot. In the same way that I eschewed more traditional choices in terms of career and life path, I decide my lack of wedding experience is simply a reflection of my decision to live a more unconventional (read: unstable bordering on chaotic) lifestyle. Maybe my besties and I are all just too busy trying to live our hyper-liberal, ultra-hedonistic London millennial dreams? Whilst others have been at weddings I’ve been in the club. I introduce my gay best friend as my husband, for crying out loud.
Whether or not I ever tie the knot myself, I do still wonder when I’ll be a guest at someone’s nuptials. Good outfit, good vibes, good chat, good dance moves… I can definitely bring all four. I also have two sets of close friends who got engaged this summer. Now I just need a Save the Date.