Every few weeks, it seems, there’s a new “dating trend” that’s really just an innocuous action with a random word attached to it: “benching”, “roaching”, “orbiting”... What does it all mean? Limerence, though – a word used to describe a sort of obsessive romantic infatuation; separate from real love, though the two are often indistinguishable to the individual experiencing it – is more well-worn than that. In fact, usage dates back to the ’60s and ’70s – long before there were so many ways to not text someone back that we needed a whole new vocabulary to describe it.
In recent years, the concept of limerence appears to have picked up traction (you’ve probably seen at least one TikToker ask “Is it love or is it limerence?” while applying copious amounts of skincare product). This could be because, as a society, we seem to have become quite culturally enamoured with the idea of obsession and yearning. See: , The Summer I Turned Pretty, the whole romantasy genre… pretty much any popular TV show or book of the past couple of years. But what actually is limerence? And why is it something we should be wary of in our own romantic lives, as opposed to it being a cute little trend or – worse – a reason that someone might be “meant” for us?
What is the psychological definition of limerence?
According to , limerence is “a state of involuntary obsession with another person”. While the state of falling in love or lust is most often predicated on those feelings being reciprocated by a partner, limerence is specifically defined by uncertainty about the object of your affections (aka your “limerent object”) returning your ardour. In other words: having an obsessive crush on someone from afar (based on your of someone, rather than the reality of that person).
Where does the term limerence come from?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 non-fiction book Love and Limerence described her experience of the concept as follows: “I don’t direct this thing, this attraction, to Emily. It directs me. I try desperately to argue with it, to limit its influence, to channel it (into sex, for example), to deny it, to enjoy it and, yes, dammit, to make her respond! Even though I know that Emily and I have absolutely no chance of making a life together, the thought of her is an obsession. I am in the position of passionately wanting someone I don’t want at all and could find no use for if I had her.” Tennov has noted that limerence can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, background, or any other trait.
What are the key hallmarks of limerence?
As a state of mind, limerence can be characterised by irrational or intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, uncertainty and fear of rejection, and, perhaps most tellingly, idealisation; in other words, limerence means being so obsessed with the idea of a person that, ironically, you might not really be focusing on them or getting to know them at all. In this way, limerence can preclude genuine connection, as the person experiencing limerence might be so focused on the intensity of their own feelings that they’re not really present or able to establish or deepen interpersonal bonds.
What are the three stages of limerence?
The three stages of limerence are often defined as: infatuation, crystallisation and deterioration. Infatuation refers to the period of falling for a limerent object, crystallisation refers to the process of idealising said limerent object – or, as it’s often phrased, “putting them on a pedestal” – and deterioration refers to the inevitable emotional crash that comes with the loss of a limerent object as a potential solution to all of one’s problems.
That last stage, deterioration, is quite a significant one. If we think of limerence as being a state of fantasy that one might use (often subconsciously) to escape reality, then the moment said fantasy wears off or becomes unsustainable, you’re left with whatever you were trying to escape to begin with.
What’s so wrong with limerence, after all?
At first glance, limerence might sound like a thing; after all, it’s all about the romantic notion of falling for someone headfirst, right? However, according to the Attachment Project, problems can occur when “the limerent person struggles to think about anything else but their ‘crush’ and neglects their social life, work, and other responsibilities as a result”. In that way, it can be defined as a sort of addiction – and addictions, by their very nature, don’t tend to be very good for us in the long term.
